Month in Review: March 2009
We’ve survived another month. March 2009 will officially not be the month in which humanity is wiped out by nuclear war, asteroids, or Rush Limbaugh’s increasingly bloated head.
In 20 years, what will we remember from this past month? Who the hell knows? Earth Hour was supposedly a massive success, as millions of people around the world turned out their lights in a show of support for the planet.
President Barack Obama made history again, this time for holding the first ever “online town hall” meeting. Remarkably, Obama managed to rile up even the most sedated segment of our population– the “marijuana smokers” (we’ll call them that because they apparently take offense to being called potheads) during the meeting by laughing off the prospect of legalizing weed as an economic stimulus.
A previously obscure politician, British MEP Daniel Hannon, became an internet sensation after he trashed British PM Gordon Brown and his spendulous ways. Without any further ado, here are some of the highs and lows as we saw them:
Morons of the Month:
Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius, who revealed that she was the latest Obama cabinet nominee with tax troubles.
North Korean Dictator/Asshole Kim Jong Il, who apparently thinks that the US and the rest of the world will sit on their hands as he prepares to launch a long-range missile.
Denver Broncos QB (not for much longer) Jay Cutler. Cutler has proven to be a classic example of the spoiled athlete/crybaby. Cutler’s feelings were so hurt that his coach would dare to look at potentially trading him that he’s refused to even discuss the situation with the team and has demanded a trade.
Heroic Heroes of the Month:
Daniel Hannan. Watch this:
At Least They Haven’t Nuked Us Yet
Remember how popular Barack Obama was in Europe during the presidential campaign? Well, he’s having more trouble dealing with them than he probably anticipated. Obama recently arrived at the G-20 economic summit, seen as a critical opportunity for the world’s largest economies to coordinate their responses to the current crisis– and he’s running into stiff pressure from Germany and France in particular. Meanwhile, crazed protesters outside the summit are doing their best to make Obama and the rest of the world leadership look bad (FOXNEWS is happy to oblige– they’ve been covering the protests more than the actual summit.)
Thanks For Making Us Forget About Our Collapsing Economy:
Thank you Glenn Beck for bringing us this spectacularly awkward and amusing bit. This is part two, it’s the more exciting part– click here for the whole thing.
Annoying Trend of the Month:
Dick Cheney Speaking. Don’t you know how this is supposed to work, Cheney? You just got out of office. Go away. Don’t you think you did enough damage to the country over the last eight years?
RagingTantrum’s “Worst Person of the Month” Award goes to:
Dallas Police Officer Robert Powell. Powell caused a firestorm when he pulled over NFL player Ryan Moats, who was on the way to the hospital to see his mother-in-law before she passed away. Upon hearing the situation, Powell proceeded to detain and lecture Moats for 15 minutes while his mother-in-law died. Read the story and watch the video of the incident here.
What The Hell Was That??
Did you hear about the strip-teasing Chinese sailors? They approached a US vessel and proceeded to “strip down to their underwear.” Seriously, it’s true. We can’t believe more hasn’t been made of this one. What the hell.
Prophets or Frauds? Scoring Last Month’s Predictions:
Last month we predicted the following:
- The Dow will end March above 8,000 (it’s currently at 7,062.)
- Louisville will win the NCAA basketball National Championship.
- Joe Biden will say something stupid.
- F*ckYouPenguin will continue to be the funniest blog on the internet.
The Dow finished the month at about 7500– a good month, but not good enough for us. We’re going to claim partial credit for forecasting an increase, period– because last month, there was little reason to be optimistic.
Louisville reached the Elite Eight before getting knocked out by Michigan State.
Joe Biden has been eerily silent. Obama’s folks must have put the muzzle on him.
F*ckYouPenguin is still hilarious, though the site does seem to be winding down somewhat. And by winding down, we mean ‘still receiving as much traffic in a day as we do in a month.’
So we went 1-for-4 with two near misses. Verdict: Frauds.
Which leads us to:
Fearless Predictions For the Month Ahead:
- The Detroit Lions will not draft Matthew Stafford #1 overall, as many are predicting. They’ll draft Aaron Curry or possibly trade the pick for Jay Cutler.
- North Korea won’t launch their missile. (Note: this could prove false in the next 24 hours as supposedly they’re fueling the thing as we type this.)
- Gas prices will rise, averaging above $2.50 per gallon by May 1.
- That’s okay, because the Dow is DEFINITELY going to be back above 8200 by the end of the month. This time we’re right. For sure.